Social media is a big part of our lives these days. And if you know me, then you know I’m all over this trend. I spend hours and hours every day, online. If I’m not actually online, I’m thinking about it. I have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and don’t judge me but I still love my Myspace! My girlfriend calls me Mr. Selfie King! Um, she called me a couple other things too a few weeks ago after I posted a photo of her to my Insta, showing her asleep in my bed. She looked so sweet… the last thing I was looking at was the weed on the nightstand, the weed pipe in her hand and all the empty Zima bottles and tortilla chips scattered all over the bed. Let’s just say I learned my lesson when her older brother knocked on my door the next morning and woke me up. That scar will last a lifetime.
I’ve also learned from my last three jobs this year that most employers frown upon employees using company time to be ‘social’ online. This includes my current gig! I ignore the memos from HR and just keep tweeting, snapping and uploading whenever I want, all while on the clock. Works out perfect for me and helps pass the time between 8 am and 5 pm!
Early last week I was asked to stop posting pics from my weekend pub crawls. The two hour meeting I had with my boss last Tuesday told me that he is a bit “disappointed” in how I am “representing the company”. Dude, it’s who I am. Does it really put the company in a bad light, showcasing my drinking adventures with friends and strangers? It’s my page, so I can do whatever I want. He doesn’t OWN me for crying out loud and to be honest, I’m a bit disappointed in him for keeping me in a two hour meeting. It took me thirty minutes to catch up on my twitter feed and I will never get those two hours back!
My social media pages have also become a platform for me. I mean, I’m sure everyone I’m connected with cares about my opinion on the current administration and the past administration! Surely everyone out there agrees with me and my personal political views, and I know that those who don’t, will ALL completely change their mind after reading my cleverly crafted meme and my witty, highly intelligent posts…and come over to my side… the good side! I’m doing a public service man! I spend hours each workday coming up with insightful political memes to post online!
Something else I learned that annoys HR around here is calling in sick and then posting a selfie from the ballpark. Uh, my bad but my girlfriend had tickets to an afternoon baseball game yesterday. Unfortunately I haven’t been at this new job long enough to have any PTO, so a quick text to my manager explaining I was “under the weather” did the trick. In hind site, I probably shouldn’t have taken a selfie overlooking center field at the 12 pm St. Louis Cardinals vs. Cubs game, and then posting it on the Gram. Although my creative selfie received 58 likes, none of them came from my new coworkers. Pretty much the entire HR meeting today was me saying stuff like, “Yes HR, I’ve learned my lesson”, “No HR, I will not do that again”, “Yes, HR I read the company policies regarding sick time”, “Bla bla bla HR”. Her final words as I was walking out of her office were, “Tom, this is number two but three strikes and you’re out!”
Clever HR, real clever…
She also handed me the company policy book and told me to refresh my memory and re-read it, so I went back to my cubicle and started tweeting everything I disagreed with and what I thought was stupid, using the hashtags #thiscompanysucks and #HRisBS.
By the way, I’m currently looking for a new job. If you hear of any openings, tag me on social media! @tommlaundry
Tom Laundry is quite possibly the world’s worst employee. He likes to drunk snap from his cubicle and HR is constantly ruining his mojo, telling him to put his pants back on. He believes that smoking a little weed on his lunch break makes him a better co-worker and can often be found hiding out in the men’s room with his flask of vodka, eating a bag of cheetos, catching up on Jimmy Fallon tweets. Follow him on twitter at @TommLaundry where he tweets #BadEmployee tweets with one hand.