IF YOU HAVE NEVER FLIPPED OFF HR, BEHIND HER BACK, YOU ARE NOT A REAL “BAD EMPLOYEE”

The first quarter of the year is in the books. So that means the Super Bowl, March Madness and the release of the new Nintendo Switch are behind us. Don’t tell anyone, but I have my Nintendo under my desk. Some afternoons I close the door and play when I’m supposed to be making calls. In fact one-day last week, I left the office late because I fell asleep while playing. Of course, the boss still thinks I was burning the candle at both ends.

I do venture out of my office from time to time and I’m beginning to think my coworkers aren’t so happy about that. I used the paper shredder in the mail room earlier this week and I guess some of the scraps feel on the floor. Now there’s a memo about how we need to clean up our messes and HR even included a picture. I think she’s blowing it out of proportion a bit.

Warnings have also came after I used the electronic stapler.  Apparently, you can’t just leave the staples for refilling the thing- laying all over the tabletop. I spilled the box and was in a rush to get back to my video game. I intended to go back and pick up the staples, but you know, I feel asleep and all.

My eating habits are apparently under the microscope too. I didn’t finish all my tuna salad sandwich and left it sitting in the trash. It happened to be on a day the cleaning woman was out sick so when everyone got back to the office Monday morning there were seagulls flying around the room.

I probably shouldn’t even talk about the message I received after Taco Tuesday and the incident in the bathroom. How is it my fault we were out of air fresher AND the exhaust fan busted the same day?

Now that football and college basketball are over, I’m looking forward to many hours of afternoon baseball games. At least I’m courteous enough to watch with the volume down.


Tom E. Laundry is quite possibly the world’s worst employee.  He likes to drunk snap chat while sitting in his cubicle and HR is constantly ruining his mojo, telling him to put his pants back on.  He believes that smoking a little weed on his lunch break makes him a better co-worker and can often be found hiding out in the men’s bathroom with his flask of vodka, catching up on Jimmy Fallon tweets.   Follow him on twitter at @tommlaundry


 

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